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Let's get one thing straight.. I'm not.
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[08 Apr 2008|09:27am] |
Buenas yan Hafa Adai.
A lot has been happening for to me since the last time I blogged--which was like forever and a day ago.
1. I'm leaving today to the PI for vacation for a week.
2. I come back on the 15th and then leave on the 29th to BASIC TRAINING.
3. I will be graduating from basic training June 7th.
4. I will be going to tech school in Missouri and I graduate there August 15th.
I'm slowly realizing so much. I have been dealing with a lot. I've been wanting better for myself, but having a hard time trying to find the correct path to go down. I seriously hope that I'm making the right choice. I know that this can only help me, not hurt me. My dad and sister both think I should go Active Duty--but NAH. I definitely don't want to do that. I'm ready to go just so that I can come back.
I'm not dating anyone right now. I'm still trying to get over John. I know this will definitely take a while. I've beent talking to Steven a lot. I really love him. I have found a side to Steven that I never want to let go. We'll see where this goes...
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[26 Jan 2008|04:41am] |
He's like an addiction to me.
Just when I get over him, and move on to something different--a girl--he comes right back into my life.
I'm writing this out of the comfort of my own Aunt's house in Sinajana, and John is crashed out right next to me. I am to wake him up in 30 minutes so he can go to the airport to see his uncle off.
He's too drunk to drive anywhere else, so he drops his cousin off in Yona, and drives all the way to Sinajana to be with me, just to wake up and drive all the way back to Yona, pick up his mom, and go to the airport. This, I don't understand.
I love this boy with all my heart. This is the one. I know it. This is the one I would and will do ANYTHING for. His ways are super unorthodox, but I think that's what makes me fall inlove with him.
I don't always understand his ways.
He doesn't have to be here.
He can be at home, crashed out waiting for his mom to wake him up.
But, rather, he's here crashed out right next to me relying on me.
Most people would see this as a bothersome situation, but I know this is John's way.
I don't exactly know what he wants.
I don't exaclty know what he expects.
I do know that I love him.
I do know that I would do anything for him.
I do know that he care about me enough to do things for me and treat both my family and friends with respect.
This is the boy I want to grow old with.
This is the boy I want to give the world to.
This is the boy I want to start a family with and watch him raise our children.
I want a child from John. I think we would have the cutest kids ever.
Everyone says we would.
So here it goes.
I hope out of everything--though we might never get back together--we stay close.
We remain good friends and nothing short of.
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[21 Dec 2007|01:46am] |
i'm totally in love with this boy.
oh dear.
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[16 Dec 2007|05:32pm] |
I'm house-sitting and these huge ass cats are really starting to freak me out.
I much rather have a dog than a cat.
I HATE CATS.
It's ok.. I'll deal with it.
My nephew is back on Guam.
We should be partying it up next weekend.
I cannot wait for my face to clear up.
It's all about getting "procedures" done in the P.I.
John is supposed to be bringing me some kind of kudu.
hahaha.. we'll see.
I will most likely go out and buy myself some food.
I made a new friend.
His name is Gene.
He's 24.
Interesting.
I love how I make random friends out of nowhere. He called this morning. Weird.
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[16 Dec 2007|12:41am] |
some pics...
[pictures of me in the hummer]
[super drunk in yigo]
[group picture]
[some of the people i party with.]
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[15 Dec 2007|05:36pm] |
I'm "house-sitting" in one of the condos overlooking pago bay.
I love it here.
John is supposed to be staying with me.
I love him.
There are so many things that have been going through my mind.
I'm trying my hardest with John.
I'm trying to stay strong.
I love him.
-Candelaria.
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[11 Dec 2007|08:02pm] |
MABUHAY! lol..
So, I'm in the Phillipines with my dad, sister, and Sergeant Major Elliot! OH GOD! I super love this guy--he's my "daddy-dan". He's Dan Elliot--the Godfather for all of UX.
I'm having fun out here. I didn't think I was going to have this much fun, but I am. I'm spending A LOT of time with my sister--which is really good. I've been getting massages like crazy out here. The service here is awesome, like always.
I've been calling John.. like everyday. I feel like I'm bothering him--so I don't think I'm going to call him until I get home. I have like two more days here. I'm getting FATTER out here. I don't do shit and I eat all the damn time. I hope to God I'm not pregnant. I have yet to get my period. oh dear.
I love John. I really do. I hope this shit works out. When I get to Guam, I will be house-sitting for like two weeks. He will be staying with me--so I'm happy about that. I get to spend some alone time with him, and see how he REALLY is. hehehe..
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[09 Dec 2007|11:20am] |
leaving for the P.I. in a couple of hours.
going to get massaged and all that shit.
will be back next week.
word.
-candy
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| [picture entry] |
[30 Nov 2007|09:48pm] |
[the boyfriend and i]
[scott.me.papa ryan]
[julius.me.papa ryan]
[leave it to jeff and i to be the super drunk ones all the time]
[nina jd and i]
[super dededo.]
[ernie and i]
[steph and i]
[papa justin.me.erik]
[moto and rola]
[amazing]
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[30 Nov 2007|02:30pm] |
Things have been going great between the boyfriend and I.
Today was the first day in almost two weeks since we've had sex.
We were in my room--since I moved back in, and we had sex.
Bic Runga's Sway was playing, and out of no where, I FUCKING STARTED TO CRY.
I could not believe it.
I never cry.. let alone when I'm fucking somone.
There are a lot of issues that both John and I have.
This whole drama thing with Nikki is not bothering me as much, but it's like that cut at the roof of your mouth that will heal only if you stop tongueing it. THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING. I get psycho when I think about her. She messaged me on myspace and wanted to know the truth. FUCK THAT. That's honestly not my drama-that is the shit she has to work out with John. ANYWAY.
I fucking cried and I got pissed. After we were done, I got up to go shower and I punched my closet door so hard. I was fucking pissed. John calls me cry baby now. lol. I really don't want to lose him. I care about this boy a lot. OH GOD.
I don't really know why I cried. I mean I know I get emotional when I'm with him, but never like this. I've been in relatioships before, but I guess not like this one. I really am working hard on this one. I've been so fucking faithful--it's weird. I don't care to see or feel for anyone else. Naomi pretty much threw herself at me and wants me back and promises to treat me better. FUCK THAT. I have my own happiness. You had your chance, and you fucked it up--that really isn't my fault at all.
I really hope this lasts with John. I love and care for him so much. He puts me through a lot, but I know at the end of the day, it's all worth it. Every little bit is worth it. Someone slap me already--this is so not me.
-candy
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[27 Nov 2007|12:22pm] |
a lot has happened since my last post.
to re-cap real quick...
_the boyfriend and i almost broke up
_his psycho whatever she is messaged me on myspace
_things are way better between john and i.. much better--i just remember to be positive because she feeds him nothing but negative, and if i were to do the same, i would drive him away. i really am trying to make this work. he makes me happy.
+jon q., jeff, and i all had dinner sunday night. things are much better. we all three really missed being together at once. no more bad ju-ju amongst eachother. it's going to take a while before it's the same again, if it will become that way--but at least we're at a start.
+the group's drama is getting too much. i'm glad jon, jeff, and i salvaged our relationship before anything else got in the way.
+i'm sick again.
+i have drill this weekend. :(
+i'm trying to be positive from now on.
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| jonathan quitaro |
[15 Nov 2007|07:32pm] |
I have so much love and feelings for my boyfriend. I want so much more, but I feel like sometimes--no--most of the time he cannot give it to me. It's not that he cannot, but it's just our times are totally off. I have no clue where he is during the day. I realize that, yes, he came over last night and we hung out and he slept over--but that doesn't give you a "green pass" to not call me. I get frustrated because I'm scared. I really like him, but I don't want to get hurt. The difference between him and I, is that I'm putting myself out there on the line--100%, and no one told me to do so--it's all on my own, but I guess I cannot really expect someone to do the same if they are not ready. I'm wondering if this is my karma for ALL the bad things that I have done in the past.
KARMA IS A BITCH, BRO.
I don't want to stop seeing him. I want to spend more time with him. I don't know. In any othe relationship prior, this would be the PERFECT situation. I have all this time to mess around and all that shit and not be accountable because we don't ask. But this is the time where I want to be accountable and I want to settle down and I want to take this seriously. UGH THIS IS KILLING ME SLOWLY.
I've given up on the whole Jon Q. issue. I don't think he is going to be coming around anytime soon, and I no longer expect him to. I miss him a whole lot, but if he were a true friend, no matter what, he would support me in what makes me happy. He would support Jeff in what makes Jeff happy. HE DOESNT. HE WONT. HE IS NOT GOING TO.
I have learned so far who my TRUE friends are.. and it always comes down to like a handful of people. I have ALL these people around me, but I only have like 5 real friends. It's quite disgusting. OH WELL. I think my ranting ends here.
-candy
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[12 Nov 2007|10:57am] |
It's been a while since I've updated.
A lot has happened.
John and I are ok now, but yesterday was one of the worst days I've encountered since being with John. We had argued the night prior--but we were both really drunk. He didn't call me all day--and I was calling him. He finally answered my phone call but he was at the beach, so he said he would call me back when he got home.
He called me and we had a long talk. I love it when I can talk to him. He doesn't say much, but he listens to me, I guess. haha. I just tell him how I feel and what I'm thinking and what I want him to do. He inputs a little bit here and a little bit there (sorry inside joke) and it's all good.
We are on good terms. I'm happy. I love him.
-candy
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[30 Oct 2007|09:52pm] |
Things with me are generally much better. EVERY secret that could possible be out, is out. I'm happy. I hope now that my base and I can get back on track. It's not going to be the same because we are all three dating someone, but I hope that we can still be the same... I know we will. Jon and I need to talk. Jon and I are ok, but we are not on the same page anymore.
I went out for the first time in weeks last night. It wasn't really going out because I did not drink--but I had fun. James came to pick me up... we went to Euphoria and stuff. John was out. He was out with his sister. After the club, John came over and we slept together. I care about this boy so much. I don't want to wait too long for him to figure his stuff out with Nikki, though. I don't want to have to be strung along for the ride. If it's just a fuck we are both looking for, then ok. If it's a relationship--which is what I'm hoping for--he needs to figure his shit out FAST! I love him though, I really do.
I resolved my shit like totally with Tiara. I'm happy. I hope I get to see her out this weekend.
-------
DUDE.. SAVED DRAFT... A LOT HAS WENT DOWN SINCE.
I went out on Saturday and I got fucked up!!!
I have pictures.. I will post them.
Sunday I went to the beach with Jorge, Jeff, and JD. We were there with JD's family. It was different for me. I NEVER go to the beach.. it was different. I got totally trashed.
Tiara called me last night. I ended up seeing her on Saturday. I didn't go up to her or say anything to her.. but her and Jamie ended up fighting about me. How stupid. To make a long story short--Tiara and Jamie are no longer going out. lol. STUPID... I know. I had a good talk with Tiara last night. She called me--totally random--I KNOW.
I hung out with John today. It was good. I love spending time with him. He makes everything so much better. I took like two pictures of him today. lol.. stupid boy. We had a lot of fun today.
dude.. all i ever do in my truck is pluck my eyebrows.
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[23 Oct 2007|08:49pm] |
So the traces of my allergies that were on my arms are slowly going away. I went up to Andersen and the doctor told me to stop taking Benedryl and gave me more Zantac and sterois and a new allergy medicine--Zyrtec. I really hope this shit goes away.. and I mean like FAST!!!
I felt the sudden urge to clean my living room and so I did. I think I did a pretty good job at it too. I've been living in here for like weeks now and so I decided I might as well clean it up.
I'm really rethinking John and I. I love him and I care about him so much--I try my best to express my feelings towards him. He is not the type to share his feelings really. He tells me that he doesn't want to get hurt. FUCK! No one wants to get hurt. Hurting sucks. I'm putting myself out there.. ALL OF ME.. and I feel sometimes that it's not working. I hear and see the things that he does for me and I'm super appreciative, but I'm not too sure. I don't know if I'm just feeling like this because I feel like I'm losing Jeff. Jeff is in a relationship now-- like a for real deal one. He's happy. I see it. I cried last night next to him on the bed. I can't believe that my papa finally found it. I wish I could be the one that could make him happy like that. I really do. I want Jeff to be happy--and if it means to be in this relationship, then so be it. It hurts me to gell and hear him like that only because I'm not one giving it or doing it for him... but he's found it. I feel like I lost him. He always reminds me that nothing is going to change... but I don't believe it fully. I don't want him to abandon me. I don't want him to ever leave me. I hate it. Jeff IS my life. Jeff IS my constant. Where is he?! UGH! I hope John really pulls through with something. I hope I get to see John tonight. I hope he makes things better.
Here's to life...
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[21 Oct 2007|08:07pm] |
I called out sick for drill today. It was really good though. I got to spend most of the day with John. He came over at like 5 this morning, and slept. We woke up, hung out with my mom for a little--and then spent the rest of the day together. I loved today. I hope we have more days like this together. I love him.
I don't feel the urge or need to go and spend as much time with Jeff and Jon. I call them, but the wanting to hang out with EVERYONE is not there. I don't ALWAYS want to see everyone. Sometimes, I just want to see my two bestfriends, without EVERYONE. So when I hear that EVERYONE is there... I usually tend NOT to want to go. But... I do want to go out this weekend with everyone--I have not been out in a long ass time.
John puts me on cloud 9. I feel so high right now... I love that about him. I love that he has the ability to do that. I hope as time goes by--we can become more and more envolved. I really like this one--I hope this one lasts.
-candelaria.
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[20 Oct 2007|09:25pm] |
I'm really into Taylor Swift's song Tim McGraw. I found this girl on youtube today and I realized that I want to marry her... enjoy this..
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[20 Oct 2007|12:36am] |
Today is a better day for me and my health condition. I finally put some stuff down my stomach. My stomach is still hurting--but I guess if you don't eat anything for three days and then put stuff down, it's bound to hurt a little. It's good though. I'm glad I'm feeling better.
I'm learning how to deal with the "absense" of John. I'm learning and telling myself to, "SLOW DOWN.". I cannot always expect him to be there. I think this is where my problem is. I HARDLY let anyone into my life, and when I finally do decide to, I want to give them my all, and sometimes that person is just not ready. I made that mistake with Jeff. I learned that the hard way--and still am learning it. I learned that lesson with Tiara. Now, we don't even talk anymore. I don't know where Steven is in all of this... but I do know that I miss him.
Myra is getting too much for me. Sometimes I can handle it, and sometimes I cannot. She notices that something is wrong. She keeps asking me about it-- but I don't know if it is just because I'm sick, or I just want her to stop. I appreciate her for all that she has done and given and show for me, but I cannot follow though with any kind of feelings she has for me. I have a boyfriend now. She has a boyfriend and a kid. WTF?! I'm not about to homewreck that house. I gave up homewrecking a couple of months back with Tiara and Jaimee.
I called in sick for drill tomorrow. I hate that I had to do that. But I'm not about to go into drill sick as all hell and be miserable. FUCK THAT. I cannot wait till I get better. I want to party it up hard this weekend. I have not been out.
John is SUPPOSED to come over, but "SLOW DOWN" is all that keeps playing in my head. I don't want to push him... I don't want to fool myself. I know he's there and he knows I'm here--so we'll start off with that. I feel all psycho talking like that and to myself, but it helps. All those times I kept saying I need a boyfriend/girlfriend and now that it's here--on certain terms--it's freaking me out. I'm happy for it--but we'll see. I care for him, so that's all that matters right now..
-Candelaria.
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[18 Oct 2007|04:09pm] |
Im really sick.
I've been to the ER twice these past two weeks.
I felt bad.. John had to take me to the ER last night... that's love. That's husband material right there.
I love him.
I feel like straight up crap... this is so gross. I want all my pain to go away.
On the plus side, I have Tylenol with Codine and Motrin. It's to support my pill-popping habit.
-candy
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| working it out for the better? |
[16 Oct 2007|09:15am] |
my emotional outlet is writing.
yesterday, i decided, on connie's birthday, to start a journal.
i've told john he can no longer talk to anyone in that way anymore.
he told me he agrees if i do the same.
i agreed.
now that i think about it, it's hard.
i listed the people i would have to stop talking to to make things work between john and i and that it would be safe... YIKES!!!
was my request to john so that i can secure a better place in his heart? is it to take things more seriously and taking things to the next level? we will see...
i'm excited about my new journal/scrapbook thing.. i cannot wait. i hope i can fill it up to it's full potential..
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